Love. It's the thing that mankind strives for the most. It is the ultimate challenge. It is the ultimate challenge because it is the hardest thing to achieve and when we achieve it we often don't realize that we have. We start out in life only know love by what is given to us by our family. It takes us a while to try and find love outside of the family. We start looking for it in our teenage years, but more often then not we find not love but lust.

Lust is a feeling that is similar to love but is not love. Lust can eventually evolve into love and lust can help keep that love strong, but it is not love. Lust is the search to find happiness for the moment. Love is the search to find happiness for life. Lust and love can both fade, but lust will fade first. Lust is what drives us to meet our potential mates. It's the lust from attraction that causes us to want to speak to someone of interest. If the feeling is mutual you can end up some where down the line falling in love.

Ah, falling in love. Now there is a phrase. To fall in love. Makes it sound accidental. Makes it sound whimsical and that's because it is. It is an accident that we fall in love. It is just something that happens, you don't know when and you don't know how but it just does. And it is a magical accident. When you fall in love everything changes. You feel warm. There is an extra kick in your step. You feel happy, a happiness you have never felt before. You feel alive. It's like stepping out of Kansas and into Oz. Everything is in color now.

Love is something I am hoping to find. It may happen soon, it may happen years down the line(I rather hope it's the first one), but it's all in the cards. And I don't know about you, but I want a heart flush.

It never ceases to amaze me that for someone who can twist and manipulate the English language as much as I do, that I have a hard time trying to find the right things to say in something as simple as an personal introduction.

You know I always find it funny with my fellow men and I that we spend 9 months trying to get out of the womb and then the rest of our lives trying to get right back in. Hopefully not the same one we came out of.

I wish I was more experienced with women. Maybe then I would be able loosen up the reigns on things and let them be. I always let my paranoia run wild when I get close to a girl. I get petrified that someone is going to take her away from me. And it makes me do rash things. I wouldn't be so damn jumpy and easily made jealous. I wish I wasn't such a shut it when I was younger. I wish I could just let things be. I wish I could just relax and be happy. But I guess that's hard to do when my emotions are always on my sleeve and I'm are still unsure where I rate in the world. Things like this will come as time passes and maturity sets in. One day I hope to be rid of these problems and be a few steps closer to being truly happy.

For as sad and pathetic as my life has been I finally see some light. My life might finally going in the right direction. Things are going well at work and I finally have a personal life to speak of. I thought at the beginning of they year that 23 might be a good one and I think it might be. I hope this doesn't jinx it.

Why is it that I get charged more simply because I wear a 2XL? Why they gotta be hatin' on big guys?

I was just looking at the NFL Shop and I came across customizable pet jerseys. This includes the Philadelphia Eagles. In case you missed it, the Eagles just recently signed Michael Vick, who just got out after serving a 23 month sentence for dog fighting charges. So this means your dog can wear the jersey of the man who loved dogs so much he let them fight it out. Irony?

Last year, I made a blog post about my disdain for Crocs. Well I heard on the CBS news that they are in real financial trouble. They are so far in debt that if they don't pay it off by September they will go bell-up. This is the best news I have heard in a long time. If Crocs go bankrupt it will be the only good thing to happen during this recession. THE END OF CROCS IS NEAR!!!

A few weeks ago I had a job interview with a life insurance company for a sales position. It was a good job. I would have earned $50-60K in the first year and over $100K by year three. I the reverse pay was so that I could work for ten years, leave and make every cent that I would if I was still working(by that point I would be making about $150-175K). It was a a good interview. I earned myself a second interview with them. During the interview the man asked about my major in college and I told him what it was(Radio/TV). He asked me if I wanted to get into the field and I said, "I hope so." and in the tone that I used he knew where my interests lay. However he told me that if I change my mind to call him and in the two weeks since then I have done some thinking. I know I love the idea of working in television, my need for money out ways it. The idea that by age 34, I'd never need to work again is tempting. Very tempting. I am thinking about calling. I can put my passion for TV aside for a decade in order to be set for life.

ATTENTION ALL BAD ASSES: Nice guys are coming. That's right your days on top are numbered. We are waiting. Waiting for you to screw up, which you inevitably do, and take your girl away. You see a bad guy cannot contend with a nice guy. Sure his cockiness, rough and tumble good looks, smooth talking and trouble-making behavior will help him in the beginning, but soon your true colors will show through. Your cockiness will become arrogance. Your appearance will become boring and stale. Your sliky smooth words will become like nails on a chalk board and your trouble making will become childish and obnoxious. You're all superficial. You're all fake. There is no depth to you, you have nothing beneath. Your girlfriend will leave you because you have no idea how to treat a woman.

That's where the nice guy enters. We may not enter with the style and bravado of a bad guy. We usually prefer a much more subtle approach(that's not to say we can't have a big entrance, we just like things a little quieter). We know what we are doing. We know how a woman should be treated and we do it. We prove that chivalry is not dead. We do it through little things like holding the door for her, offering our coat when she is cold, holding her hand in public, or just cuddling with her(and I'm not talking about just after sex either), etc. We will go out of our way to be there when you need us. We are the shoulders on which you cry and the arms that will hold you for as long as you need. We feel empty when you leave and whole when you return. We'll talk to you until we pass out. We tell you that you are beautiful even on your worst day. We'll show you off to our friends and say "This is my girlfriend. Did I just make you jealous?" We will remember your birthday AND anniversary. And when we screw-up, because we do as well, we will immediately say, "I'm sorry."

Fear not ladies, we are not mythological beings. We really do exist. Just look for us. We are not hard that to find. In fact we may be closer than you think. And fear not my fellow nice guys, our day is coming. We may appear to finish last but in reality we finish first. All that phrase means is that when the Good Girls are done playing with the Bad Boys, they come looking for us.

Ok so people are going crazy over Twitter, which is basically a glorified status bar. And people wonder why humanity is doomed?

This past weekend my parents went up to my summer camp with my grandmother to open it up. I couldn't because I had to work on Friday and Sunday. Saturday I was off and I wanted to do something but I couldn't find anyone who was available to do anything. Mike and Brian were down at Disney. I could have gone to Albany to see Peter but he wasn't at his place so that was a no go. Then there was my friend Justin, his parents were out of town as well so he had his girlfriend coming in to visit for the weekend. I called Bridgette to see if she was going downtown but she was tired and she was having her boyfriend over to cook him dinner(Yes they reconciled, but it's really run it's course). He was supposed to be there at 9. I called her at 9:15 and he wasn't there(he wouldn't show until 11). But anyways back to the story at hand. I was sitting right where I am now and I decided to go downtown by myself. Yeah it's a stupid thing to do, but I felt I had nothing to lose. I went down to a bar called Mully's. It's a haven for Bishop Ludden Alumni and I figured I could find a few familiar faces. I did too. I was there for about and hour, talked to a few Alums and moved on to PJ Dorsey's, my favorite place to go. There it seemed that I saw everyone I ever knew. I saw about a dozen kids from high school. I even saw my old junior high school bully. I talked to one kid who was a dickhead in high school, but 5 years later he was a good guy. Maturity does weird things. I had a 20 minute conversation with him. I saw my cousin. After last call, I went to a pizza parlor where I saw more high schoolers and a girl I had in my psych class. When I left I saw a girl from work(what a night out without seeing a co-worker). She was a little freaked that I was there. She called off from work claiming that she "wasn't feeling well" and she was afraid that I would rat her out on it and made me promise her that I wouldn't say anything(yeah umm, I'm not that type of person to begin with). I did end up enjoying myself. I had a lot of fun by myself. I don't want to have to do it again, but at least I still know that I can have fun alone.

So for those of you that are still reading this after 3 1/2 years, I give you thanks for dealing with my ramblings, random thoughts and angry rants. But I feel it's time that I tell you my past and how I've become the person that I am. My life has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. My story starts Friday January 3, 1986 in Oswego Hospital in Oswego, New York at 2:56am. I was born via Emergency Cesarean Section 9 days late. I am the child of Charles and Nancy. I was the fourth out of five attempts and the only success. I almost became the fourth failure at 11 and 15 weeks but some how I survived. As I said, I was born via Emergency Cesarean Section. I had to be taken out because I would have died had I stayed in for much longer. During the birth the umbilical cord became wrapped around my throat and I ceased breathing for a moment but I survived again some how. This was not the last of my problems during my infancy. 17 days later I was back in the hospital to have surgery on my digestive tract because I had a blockage between my stomach and small intestine. I also had several ear infections.

Hard first year, right? Let's fast forward 9 years.

During recess one day early in the fourth grade, I was playing football with some classmates when one of my friends started getting harassed by a bigger kid. I stood up for him and promptly got punched in the face and got my nose bloodied. This kid's name was Greg Hurley and he would become my bully for the next four years.

For the most part, despite having a bully, grades 4, 5 and 6 went real smooth. I had no real issues(except for a couple of fights in 6th grade). 7th grade is when things started to go down hill. In 6th grade, Greg left to go live with his dad in NYC. In 7th grade he returned with a vengeance. He started fast and furious. He wasted no time reasserting himself as the bane of my existence. I fought back as much as I could. I was too afraid to out and out attack him.

The feud really turned personal on November 4, 1998. I had stayed after school for help from a teacher. After I was sitting on a fence and Greg was over by the doors and we started in on each other. I finally set him off by calling his mother a whore(Saying anything about his mother was his trigger). He came after me and I set off running. He was faster than me and caught me and tackled me on a man-hole cover. The tackle broke my collarbone. I never told anyone this. I was too afraid of what Greg might do to me if I did. I told everyone that I broke it in gym class slamming in to the bleachers. I didn't reveal the truth to my parents until I was 19, 7 years after it happened.

After this the bullying got worse and it spread. I was getting it from everywhere. The only ally I had was my friend Dustin. It hit it's peak in 8th Grade. That's when my world came crashing down. I had no friends. I was an outcast. I was the Leper of Durgee Jr. High. I was beaten, harassed and turned into something that was no longer human. I was a corpse. I had no emotions, no feelings. I wasn't alive anymore. I wasn't even Chris anymore, I was Faggot. That was my name. I was reduced to a homophobic slur. It got so bad that I had to do something drastic. During lunch one day I was getting shit from some older kids. So I turned to them and pointed at all of them and said, "Tomorrow, I am going to bring a gun to school and kill all of you." It worked. After that, no one gave me crap. Everyone left me alone. They had gone from hating me to being afraid of me.

After 8th grade, I left Baldwinsville Schools and transferred to Bishop Ludden. I was free. No more Greg, no more assholes on the bus. No one knew me or of my past....or so I thought. One kid in my grade was someone I knew from B'ville. He was friends with Greg and they started talking. He was friends with the assholes in my grade and these guys started on me and it was just like Durgee. I was even given a new name. It was Psycho. I got this name because I started to act out. They weren't me being psycho, they were cries for help and no one saw that except for two people. One was my best friend Justin. I love him. He is the brother I never had. He was in a similar situation to me. He was an outcast, but his situation wasn't as bad as mine. But we gravitated to each other and watched our backs. The other person, well...Next paragraph please.

During one study hall session, the jerk-offs were going at me again. They were giving it to me good. Then out of no where I heard, "Stop it, leave him alone!" I looked up, everyone looked up. I looked over at this girl. Her name was Tara, and she was my savior. She didn't just stand up for me then, she became my guardian angel. She helped me get back on my feet again. I also developed the biggest crush on her too. It's not often the knight is saved by the damsel. The biggest thing she did for me was show me how to feel again. In talking to her and listening to her, I became human again. I was Chris again. I remember when I rejoined the living too. It hurt, there was a sharp pain in my chest. It was my heart starting again. For the first time in two years, I was alive.

Tara wasn't just my protector she was my control too. She wasn't afraid to get in my face when I got out of line. For example, during one of my 10th grade dances, a dude in my class came up to me and started grinding on me as a joke. I freaked and decked him across the face. I busted his nose. After talking to the kid, I felt this yank on my arm. Tara grabbed me, through me up against the trophy case and chewed my ass out. No one else would do that.

I am forever grateful for Tara. I will be until the day I die. She will have a special place in my heart.

Over the next four years, I became one of the class. They accepted me. I was able to grow as a person. I met the rag tag group of friends that I have today. There are still some lingering scars of this ordeal. I still have difficulty trusting people, especially men. I also still have issues with feeling emotion. I have them, but sometimes they don't always come out right. It's something I have to work on, but I'll get there.

So now you know where I come from. It isn't pretty is it? It's ok though. Everyone needs to have some hard times in their life and need to learn to live through them and get stronger as a result. I am a stronger person because of this. I had to die to become strong. I am Beyond the Grave.

I think it's time I moved out of my house. I've been here 23 years and I think it's time I found my own place. The problem I face is money. I can't afford too much but I think i found a winner.

http://syracuse.craigslist.org/roo/1107677512.html

$100 a month with utilities comped and in a great location. I'm going to talk to my parents about it tomorrow. I think they will be all for it. They want me out in the worst way lol.

So tonight I am sitting at my computer it's 2:15 AM and I get a text from Phyllisa. She and her friend are walking along the side of the road in the country. That's two city girls walking in the country in the middle of the night. They were at a house party and apparently their ride was too incapacitated to take them home and the owners of the house kicked them out. So I get the text and I tell her that I am on my way to get them. About 3 miles from my house I get a call from my mother asking me why I am out of the house at 2:30 AM. I told her why. As I am talking to her, Phyllisa calls, she is freaking out. There are coyotes sounding off, she can't see and she is afraid of the dark. I told her to just stay calm and that I am on my way. She called me again right as I turned on to the road they are on. She is in real panic mode now. I told her to stay calm and that I was going to be right there. I see her and her friend I pullover, they get in and I get them home safely. Phyllisa wanted to pay me for the gas. I told her don't bother, it's ok. She gave me the biggest hug before she got out. I feel like a hero right now.

Well things are progressing well with Phyllisa. We've definitely got the friend part down. I've gotten her number and we talk on AIM. I've also started giving her rides to work. We also talk a lot at work. Saturday we were both handling the Clearance section and she told me some pretty deep things. She is one strong girl and has had to put up with and I have a ton of respect for her. After work I was giving her a lift to her other job and she doesn't like the music I listen to so I let her take control of my radio. That is something I have never ever done. I am really thinking about asking her out.

Can someone answer me this question: When did this "40 is the new 20" shit start? Have we become that afraid of growing old that we have stooped to denial? Getting old happens nothing you can do to stop it. 40 is 40 and 20 is 20. Just sit down, shut up an live with it.

This also holds true for fashion. Friday in work I saw a woman with a shirt that said "Green is the new black." Bullshit. Green is Green and black is black. Same goes for "Pink is the new red," "Red is the new blue" and "Black is the new white." How about this one "Denial is the new reality?" Sounds good to me.

Ken Griffey Jr. is back with the Mariners! YAHOO! I get to see that sweet swing in a M's uni again. I hope my friend Brian can get some tickets for when the Mariners come to Yankee Stadium. I would love to see him play. I am a baseball fan because of Junior.

Have you ever been watching TV and a guy with a foreign accent comes on? Don't you feel the need to start talking in that accent? I do. I can't help it. It doesn't matter what it is. Canadian, English, Irish, Scottish(My personal fave), German, French, Russian, Japanese, Chinese, Boston, New York, Wisconsin, Southern, Western, Pirate, it doesn't matter what it is. If it's an accent, I want to speak in it.

So this past weekend Dev left to go visit what I thought was a friend in Ottawa, but when she got back she told me that it wasn't just a friend, but a boyfriend. She had been seeing him since a little before Christmas and she could keep it a secret from me any longer because it hurt her too much and it hurt me a lot when she told me. She felt horrible for keeping it from me and I made her feel worse by showing her my entry from last week and the comment I made. Despite this she still loves me and has deep feelings for me.

Now usually when someone is dishonest with me that's it, the end. I am done with that person, but with Dev it's different. I don't want to end it with her and I want to wait it out. I have a feeling that it will be worth it to do so. It feels like a new beginning. I like that feeling.

Like she said to me, this is not the end. And you know what? She's right.